Wednesday, December 28, 2016

A Day in the Life of a Binge

Imagine you're floating above yourself. You can see yourself, but you can't rationalize with yourself, and you can't stop your actions. You can feel the struggle, and the pain that you are causing yourself, but nothing can stop your behavior.  You want to stop, you want to cry, and you want to take back the last 10 minutes to an hour. But you can't. All that consumes you in that moment is this anxiety and desire to eat every single delicious thing you can find until you truly hate yourself.

That's what a binge least for me. 

Last time I posted I had mentioned I would explain a "normal" binge for me. Maybe you can identify  (to all my readers...lucky if I have one!), or maybe you aren't sure if you are experiencing the same thing, but I think its helpful to get it out in the universe.  We are never alone in our struggles.  People experience a lot of the things we do, we just tend to think we are at the only ones.  To my knowledge I don't know anyone personally who has experienced this, but over my time on social media I have come to speak to many people who have similar experiences. 

So here goes!

I wake up and start my day as usual.  First I will check myself in the mirror.  What am I checking for you ask? I am checking to see if I have some how gained weight over night, or if I just generally look fatter than usual.  Crazy right?! This one moment in my day can set me up for a good day, or a bad day mentally. No surprise here, but binges most commonly happen on a mentally bad day. 

So let's say I have woken up, and my reflection has set me in a bad direction.  My day will generally start healthy because in my mind that is the best way to get back on course.  So though I may not think so I start to restrict what I eat for the day in hopes of fixing that "extra pudge" I think I see. By the end of the day I have driven myself crazy so I will indulge in something small I say, like a scoop of peanut butter.  Well that's still healthy right?! Except the next time I look into that jar, it appears I have actually eaten almost the entire thing.

I don't stop with that half a jar though.  It only perpetuates my bad feelings of myself, and before I know it I have gone on to eat a box of cookies, some ice cream I found, pop tarts, half a sandwich and a bag of potato chips. Maybe even more. (Think of and overindulgent meal and multiply it by 5! I mean I have actually eaten a full dinner to the point of stuffed, only to follow it up with a dinner at a restaurant with friends that includes appetizer, dinner and dessert! o.0 )  By this point I actually feel as though I could die.  That I could explode from stuffing my stomach to the brim. I feel bloated, and generally need to lay down.  Except when I lay down I still feel so much pain.  I think "That's the last time, tomorrow I eat healthy.  Tomorrow I won't touch these foods"

When I wake up "tomorrow", the cycle starts again and sometimes goes on for days. As you can imagine this really messes with my body, but it also is mentally hurtful as well.  It's a cycle of constant hate, and actions to both "medicate", and perpetuate the hate for myself. It stems from not accepting myself, and the flaws that I find.

Bingeing is the way that I have chosen to make myself feel better about those flaws. Only it ultimately doesn't work. At first it seems like control over the situation.  "This food will make me feel better."  Eventually the foods control me and I am eating everything I can find, feeling like I'm not even myself anymore. I let my feelings for myself dictate in a way that ultimately will make my feelings about myself worse.

Once you can break through and accept yourself, you can stop restricting and feeling like you need to lose "x" amount of weight to feel better.  The reality is that no amount of weight loss will make me feel better because I can't accept me. Is that anyway to live? No.  In my moments of clarity I am aware of just how much I don't need to change, and I how much I can love myself.  For now those moments are fleeting... but one day I will love myself the way I should.


Saturday, July 9, 2016

Hey internet, it's been a while.  Seems I blogged for the month October and only the month of October. Let me explain what happened...

As you can see my posts were mainly about how I adopted iifym macro practice, and how well it was working for me. Honestly I had seen so much progress and success with this idea of eating for a while.  I thought I have finally gotten myself on a path I was happy and successful with. I thought I had finally beat the binging.

Unfortunately that was not the case. In fact right when I stopped blogging is when my binging worked its way back to my life. Correlation? Yes.  How could one write positive messages and healthy eating support, when you are unhappy and can't even control your own eating?!

For the months following October, I would eat and eat and eat until I felt sick.  I felt so sick sometimes I could have sworn I was going to die. Every morning I would wake up saying "yesterday was the last day."  So I would restrict all morning, trying to make up for all the "bad" I had done the night before.  But this led me right back to binging by the end of the night.  My mind set was always "well I already ate this much...may as well eat everything else." I couldn't forgive my actions either, which only made things worse.  Because of all this, my self control was non existent, I had a ton of anxiety, and my self confidence was buried.

Naturally I started to gain weight as well.  It's inevitable when you are consuming what seems like a days worth of calories in one to two hours.  This of course only furthered poor eating habits.  And besides gaining weight, I never felt good.  I was always bloated, sluggish and just generally unhappy.  My body was telling me in so many ways that this was wrong and unhealthy, but I just could not stop.

Now when you spend so much time consumed by food and social media you start to hear things about other people with these same habits.  So I started doing some research, and I self diagnosed myself with binge eating disorder (BED). I was sick of feeling sick, and like I had no actual control over what I was doing, so I contacted  therapist. Now normally I am quiet about things like this.  It seemed scary, and like something people would look down upon.  But the reality is that she has helped me.  Tremendously. All that really mattered was that I got better anyway, not what someone thought about me "talking" to someone.

As it turned out, I had mild body dismorphia and binge eating disorder. Over the last few months my therapist has helped me work through a lot of this.  I have actually been binge free for 139 days as of today. There is still a ways for me to go though.  I may not take my emotions out through excessive binge eating but my self love is not where it should be.  I still put so much emphasis on my weight to be where I want to be.  That's really my last step, to love me for who I am.  And to realize that me having a little extra pudge doesn't make me less attractive, or a bad person, or not worth anything. That all seems ridiculous when you actually think of it.  Just sometimes its hard not to think that your weight makes up who you are.

I wanted to give an idea of where I am at currently so posted a picture that was taken just two weeks ago.  When I see it, I think "wow I look fine and healthy, you're crazy for thinking otherwise!" But every single day I struggle with actually seeing what's there. My opinion of myself could change within minutes.  I still have a lot to work on, but I just want anyone who may happen to come across my blog to realize that you aren't alone.  That you are more than your weight! And that in a lot of cases how you see yourself, is not what you actually look like.  We need to learn to love ourselves more, and not base our happiness on the size of our jeans.

Next time I plan to go into detail on what a normal binge night was like for me, but that's all for now! :) Happy Saturday everyone.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Since its pumpkin season an all!

So since it's now fall and of course the season of pumpkin, I'm goin to share a little pumpkin recipe! I have been making pumpkin waffles and pancakes quite a bit. And I love to add sugar free pumpkin syrup (from target) to my coffee. BUT my job situation recently changed a bit leaving me poorer, but with more free time. So now some baking is to follow... Because who actually wants to use extra free time to study right?! I made some Pumpkin Cookie Butter Chocolate Chips Squares :D

To start, as soon as I caught sight of Trader Joes pumpkin cookie butter I had to have it. If there is anything that I have more of a problem with than peanut butter, it's that damn cookie butter. I can't keep it in the house. Only every time I go to trader joes I feel obligated to buy it. Bad planning. Can't help what you love right? Just how do I make an entire jar fit my macros regularly!!!

Thankfully the recipe used most of this beauty up. (Though there may have been some spoonfuls that went straight to my mouth along the way.) I also like to share my treats so I didn't consume all the cookie butter unfortunately.

Isn't it beautiful?!

Anywayyyyyy, here is the recipe. 

1.5 cups almond flour
1/4 cup coconut flour
1/4 cup Truvia Brown Sugar Baking Mix
1 Egg
1 Cup of the lovely Pumpkin Spice Cookie Butter
And as many Enjoy Life Dark Chocolate Chips as you please!

1. Mix it all together
2. Add chocolate chips in last
3. Press the dough into a 8x8 greased pan
4. Bake about 12 minuets at 350F
Just watch them, 12 minutes is more of an estimate.  I have a tendency to leave the oven without a timer >.<
Then good luck not eating them all!

Monday, October 19, 2015

My blog name isn't about donuts for nothing!

There she is, a Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Cheesecake doughnut square :D

She was a beauty, and a tasty little thing that was gone too fast. Haha sorry, getting carried away.

So today I had to get my car looked at by my insurance, (thanks to some lovely human who hit my car and ran :'( while I was in, you guessed it, Dunkin Donuts last week) I also had a long day of studying ahead of me.  I decided I wanted a doughnut to help fuel my day.  I also needed to go back to the Dunkin to see if they had cameras so I could find the guy that banged up my car! No such luck.  So I got a doughnut and was on my way a little less disappointed.

Now if you couldn't guess it I obviously have a love for doughnuts! I don't eat them all the time, though I wish I could.  But one of the luxuries of counting macros is that I can eat a doughnut and not feel guilty about it! I won't feel as though it has messed up my progress.  What I want to say today is actually quite the opposite!

This lovely seasonal doughnut was what I decided to eat before I hit shoulders today.  I had a shoulder and HIIT workout planned.  I personally NEED to eat before I work out or I am sluggish and just going through the motions.  But today was the first day I tried out eating a simple carb before working out.

CRAP. Can I please have a doughnut before working out everyday?!

Now I am recently starting to play around with my food more.  The more I research the more I try new things.  I have never been one that HAS to have a  pre workout food type or drink, or HAS to have a post workout food type.  I have always just kind of eaten what I like to eat.  There are of course different trains of thought on the foods to consume before and after a workout.  That I do not plan to go into because it's not my area of expertise and I don't wanna send anyone in a bad direction.  But I do want to tell you my experience today.

I ate this doughnut, and loved it. Then after a bit proceeded to do my workout.  Once I had myself warmed up and ready it was like everything changed.  I was ready to go.  I hit more reps per set, and I even was able to up my weight on some workouts.  I also found that my HIIT routine went much more smoothly.  Usually I am suffering to get through the bursts, where today I noticed I was going over the time I set and had to stop myself.  Naturally this could have just been a good day, but I feel as though this outcome warrants some further investigation.  I.E. eating more doughnuts :D

I shall devour more doughnuts and workout and get back to ya on how it goes!  Man am I excited.  Happy Monday of course! I am off to do more studying.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

On to the next one!


So I'm gonna talk about something kinda big...sorta, at least for me. Today was my LAST day at my first real job.  I worked there for 7 years.  I basically grew up there! It's insane to think come next Monday I will not be getting up and going to work  in the dark at my usual place of work!

I can't say I worked very hard today...or the two weeks leading up to today ...but can you really blame me!? haha They sent me off today very nicely though.  I got a lovely signed card from everyone,  balloons, a lovely bag of peanut butter goodies, and of course CAKE.  Ice cream cake to be exact.

YES. It fit my macros.

But only after I did some moving things around.  I like to start my day knowing what I am going to eat.  So by 2pm I had a full day of eating accounted for. What I would like to say about that is, this.  Two years ago, maybe even last year this cake would have haunted me.  I would have dreaded every minute leading up the cake being handed to me because I would think this would destroy my entire day.  "This cake isn't clean.  It's gonna ruin all my eating for the day" I would think. But I would feel obligated to eat the cake.  Eat a slice, maybe two, maybe three and then lose it for the rest of the day

"Well my day is already ruined", would be my thought process.  "May as well eat whatever I want." And then I would binge. For probably the rest of the day...and the following days. (This is a TERRIBLE way to do things) Instead I took out the treat that I had planned for the day, and replaced it with this small piece of cake I had.

My point in all of this is MODERATION and forgiveness of yourself.  It doesn't matter if you eat clean, count your macros or just try and eat healthy.  Everything is fine in moderation.  As much as one salad wont make you healthy and lose weight, one slice of cake wont make you unhealthy or gain weight.  Enjoy things happily and in moderation.  And forgive yourself when you "slip up".  Its not a race.  It's a marathon in which you need to enjoy and grow!

Anyway, my now ex coworkers are taking me out tonight for a drink! Final celebration.  Gotta go make myself presentable ! Have a good one :)

Saturday, October 3, 2015

How I got where I got!

So I haven't quite come up with a blog schedule or anything yet.  I figured I would get all the introduction type things out of them way first and go from there. Who knows. My life schedule may only allow me to be totally random. I guess we will just see how it goes! 

Anyway last time I mentioned talking about iifym. So now I'm gonna get into my experiences with it !

Let me just start by saying, I am in no way qualified to direct anyone in nutrition. So I'm giving my experiences through what I have learned. It has been a process and taken a long time. I am also always open to suggestions and a good dialogue. I just have a passion for food and fitness and want to talk about it! I can't help it. I'm sure you understand 😋

So let's begin! I started "eating better" when I had just graduated college. I was 21 years old. I had put on A LOT of college weight. My idea of better at the time was just things I saw promoted as healthy really. Tried to have more salads and fruits. But I did a lot of carb cutting type things and in my experiences, that's never good. It worked a bit because I was just consuming less regularly, but really I had no idea what I was doing. 

I then discovered "clean eating". Which worked for me for a while. I started lifting at the gym and it wasn't long before I started dropping weight. But as time went on I got super restrictive on what I would allow myself to eat. It would make me and my family nuts. And the end result would be an all out binge fest. This became a routine. Eat healthy for 13 days and on the 14th, lose my shit and eat EVERYTHING. This is not healthy my friends. Not healthy for your body or your mind. 

 Eventually this just let to me not working out or caring about what I ate anymore. I went on a year and a half hiatus of fitness and nutrition. Now as you can imagine I gained all my weight back. I got upset and would periodically attempt to get back into a routine... Except it would only last a few days before I would just eat and eat and eat. I felt terrible but I couldn't pull myself from the funk.  

Then come February a girl I had met years ago contacted me who I contribute some of my success lately to. Now she got me involved in shakeology. I no longer use it but it and her are the way I got myself together again and that I do appreciate. I needed some motivation and someone to talk to about it who understand. And she was just that. So while I did shakeology I was eating basically clean again, but researching this thing called iifym which I had hopes of trying out. 

Which leads me to now! I'm a foodie. Always have been. Always will be. I genuinely live for food which isn't great. But it's who I am! I knew ultimately I couldn't keep up with a clean diet forever. Though I do think the people who eat entirely unprocessed and totally healthy food all the time are amazing because that takes will power I just do not have. So I slowly started tracking my macros. I wasn't great at it at first but eventually you get the hang out it. You start to get creative and it's exciting so see what you can eat. I am always satisfied because I have no real restorations. Bingeing? That's a thing of the past,which is the greatest part about it. 

It's also helped my mindset on "cheats". Cheats are really not as necessary anymore because on a normal day I can make eating a donut work for me. But of course there are days where I go over my allotted macros. Sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. But I have learned to relax and not beat myself up over it.  This isn't about losing weight fast. It's about getting where I want in a healthy, maintainable way and I think this is the way for me! 

Within the next few weeks I'm planning on reverse dieting for the impending winter months. Which I'm sure I will get in to eventually. I'm still learning about that so we will see! 

Anyway I will post a pic from when I started in February and one of now because that's really when I started over again. I'm still not where I want to be, but I have the plans and the determination to make it happen! 

I hope this picture doesn't show up as giant as I think it's going to haha. But here we go. This is a 7 month difference! 


Friday, October 2, 2015

Allow me to introduce myself...

Hello blogging world!

My name is Dana and this blogging thing is not my specialty.  But I'm hoping to make it my specialty! Even if I'm the only one who cares about it.  Ha ha ha...ha.......ha..

So anyway I have been debating blogging for a while now, and what better time to decide to start than on a rainy rainy night you should be studying anatomy! Procrastination at it's finest.

I will try to make this short. Hmmm maybe I will do bullet form! :D

^^ That's me!!

  • I am 25 years old.  Sometimes I think that's young.  And some days I just feel like I'm getting so old!
  • I love case the name didn't give that away.  
  • There is also a chance that I am deeply addicted to peanut butter. 
  • But also I love snacks.  So much so I actually buy snacks and hide them so no one else can have them before me...or in general.  (Selfish..I know.  But what can I say!) I like to call this snack hoarding.  Whether that's good or bad, I don't know.
  • Since about March, I have lost roughly 30 pounds. (That's a pound a week folks!) But I'm definitely not stopping. 
  • Weight lifting is my stress free zone.  
  • Cardio is my hell. But I get it done.
  • I love to cook and make treats...but most days my schedule doesn't really allow for that.
  • I practice flexible dieting, so yes I track my macros. In probably the next post I will explain how I got to this.
  • I currently work two jobs.  One in retail, and one in assisted living.  Both are not where I plan to end up in the future.
  • I plan to end up working as a radiology tech.  
  • Currently I am in school working towards that career goal
So that'ts just the basics there.  I'm a very involved lady.  But hey, we'll get there.

Now I'm sure this is just another doughnut loving, weightlifting blog and I get that. But I'm hoping to share my experiences, and my struggles (because realistically there are a lot of those). I want to be a progress blog, not an end result blog.

My biggest plan right now is to show all of the (little) prep that goes into my meals.  I'm a busy gal, and I know most people are.  But I manage to make it work and to fit my macros daily.  :) Let me just prove you can get it done, all while working two jobs, going to school, and having like maybe a very small social life!