Imagine you're floating above yourself. You can see yourself, but you can't rationalize with yourself, and you can't stop your actions. You can feel the struggle, and the pain that you are causing yourself, but nothing can stop your behavior. You want to stop, you want to cry, and you want to take back the last 10 minutes to an hour. But you can't. All that consumes you in that moment is this anxiety and desire to eat every single delicious thing you can find until you truly hate yourself.
That's what a binge is...at least for me.
Last time I posted I had mentioned I would explain a "normal" binge for me. Maybe you can identify (to all my readers...lucky if I have one!), or maybe you aren't sure if you are experiencing the same thing, but I think its helpful to get it out in the universe. We are never alone in our struggles. People experience a lot of the things we do, we just tend to think we are at the only ones. To my knowledge I don't know anyone personally who has experienced this, but over my time on social media I have come to speak to many people who have similar experiences.
So here goes!
I wake up and start my day as usual. First I will check myself in the mirror. What am I checking for you ask? I am checking to see if I have some how gained weight over night, or if I just generally look fatter than usual. Crazy right?! This one moment in my day can set me up for a good day, or a bad day mentally. No surprise here, but binges most commonly happen on a mentally bad day.
So let's say I have woken up, and my reflection has set me in a bad direction. My day will generally start healthy because in my mind that is the best way to get back on course. So though I may not think so I start to restrict what I eat for the day in hopes of fixing that "extra pudge" I think I see. By the end of the day I have driven myself crazy so I will indulge in something small I say, like a scoop of peanut butter. Well that's still healthy right?! Except the next time I look into that jar, it appears I have actually eaten almost the entire thing.
I don't stop with that half a jar though. It only perpetuates my bad feelings of myself, and before I know it I have gone on to eat a box of cookies, some ice cream I found, pop tarts, half a sandwich and a bag of potato chips. Maybe even more. (Think of and overindulgent meal and multiply it by 5! I mean I have actually eaten a full dinner to the point of stuffed, only to follow it up with a dinner at a restaurant with friends that includes appetizer, dinner and dessert! o.0 ) By this point I actually feel as though I could die. That I could explode from stuffing my stomach to the brim. I feel bloated, and generally need to lay down. Except when I lay down I still feel so much pain. I think "That's the last time, tomorrow I eat healthy. Tomorrow I won't touch these foods"
When I wake up "tomorrow", the cycle starts again and sometimes goes on for days. As you can imagine this really messes with my body, but it also is mentally hurtful as well. It's a cycle of constant hate, and actions to both "medicate", and perpetuate the hate for myself. It stems from not accepting myself, and the flaws that I find.
Bingeing is the way that I have chosen to make myself feel better about those flaws. Only it ultimately doesn't work. At first it seems like control over the situation. "This food will make me feel better." Eventually the foods control me and I am eating everything I can find, feeling like I'm not even myself anymore. I let my feelings for myself dictate in a way that ultimately will make my feelings about myself worse.
Once you can break through and accept yourself, you can stop restricting and feeling like you need to lose "x" amount of weight to feel better. The reality is that no amount of weight loss will make me feel better because I can't accept me. Is that anyway to live? No. In my moments of clarity I am aware of just how much I don't need to change, and I how much I can love myself. For now those moments are fleeting... but one day I will love myself the way I should.
~Dana
I don't stop with that half a jar though. It only perpetuates my bad feelings of myself, and before I know it I have gone on to eat a box of cookies, some ice cream I found, pop tarts, half a sandwich and a bag of potato chips. Maybe even more. (Think of and overindulgent meal and multiply it by 5! I mean I have actually eaten a full dinner to the point of stuffed, only to follow it up with a dinner at a restaurant with friends that includes appetizer, dinner and dessert! o.0 ) By this point I actually feel as though I could die. That I could explode from stuffing my stomach to the brim. I feel bloated, and generally need to lay down. Except when I lay down I still feel so much pain. I think "That's the last time, tomorrow I eat healthy. Tomorrow I won't touch these foods"
When I wake up "tomorrow", the cycle starts again and sometimes goes on for days. As you can imagine this really messes with my body, but it also is mentally hurtful as well. It's a cycle of constant hate, and actions to both "medicate", and perpetuate the hate for myself. It stems from not accepting myself, and the flaws that I find.
Bingeing is the way that I have chosen to make myself feel better about those flaws. Only it ultimately doesn't work. At first it seems like control over the situation. "This food will make me feel better." Eventually the foods control me and I am eating everything I can find, feeling like I'm not even myself anymore. I let my feelings for myself dictate in a way that ultimately will make my feelings about myself worse.
Once you can break through and accept yourself, you can stop restricting and feeling like you need to lose "x" amount of weight to feel better. The reality is that no amount of weight loss will make me feel better because I can't accept me. Is that anyway to live? No. In my moments of clarity I am aware of just how much I don't need to change, and I how much I can love myself. For now those moments are fleeting... but one day I will love myself the way I should.
~Dana
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