Hey internet, it's been a while. Seems I blogged for the month October and only the month of October. Let me explain what happened...
As you can see my posts were mainly about how I adopted iifym macro practice, and how well it was working for me. Honestly I had seen so much progress and success with this idea of eating for a while. I thought I have finally gotten myself on a path I was happy and successful with. I thought I had finally beat the binging.
Unfortunately that was not the case. In fact right when I stopped blogging is when my binging worked its way back to my life. Correlation? Yes. How could one write positive messages and healthy eating support, when you are unhappy and can't even control your own eating?!
For the months following October, I would eat and eat and eat until I felt sick. I felt so sick sometimes I could have sworn I was going to die. Every morning I would wake up saying "yesterday was the last day." So I would restrict all morning, trying to make up for all the "bad" I had done the night before. But this led me right back to binging by the end of the night. My mind set was always "well I already ate this much...may as well eat everything else." I couldn't forgive my actions either, which only made things worse. Because of all this, my self control was non existent, I had a ton of anxiety, and my self confidence was buried.
Naturally I started to gain weight as well. It's inevitable when you are consuming what seems like a days worth of calories in one to two hours. This of course only furthered poor eating habits. And besides gaining weight, I never felt good. I was always bloated, sluggish and just generally unhappy. My body was telling me in so many ways that this was wrong and unhealthy, but I just could not stop.
Now when you spend so much time consumed by food and social media you start to hear things about other people with these same habits. So I started doing some research, and I self diagnosed myself with binge eating disorder (BED). I was sick of feeling sick, and like I had no actual control over what I was doing, so I contacted therapist. Now normally I am quiet about things like this. It seemed scary, and like something people would look down upon. But the reality is that she has helped me. Tremendously. All that really mattered was that I got better anyway, not what someone thought about me "talking" to someone.
As it turned out, I had mild body dismorphia and binge eating disorder. Over the last few months my therapist has helped me work through a lot of this. I have actually been binge free for 139 days as of today. There is still a ways for me to go though. I may not take my emotions out through excessive binge eating but my self love is not where it should be. I still put so much emphasis on my weight to be where I want to be. That's really my last step, to love me for who I am. And to realize that me having a little extra pudge doesn't make me less attractive, or a bad person, or not worth anything. That all seems ridiculous when you actually think of it. Just sometimes its hard not to think that your weight makes up who you are.
I wanted to give an idea of where I am at currently so posted a picture that was taken just two weeks ago. When I see it, I think "wow I look fine and healthy, you're crazy for thinking otherwise!" But every single day I struggle with actually seeing what's there. My opinion of myself could change within minutes. I still have a lot to work on, but I just want anyone who may happen to come across my blog to realize that you aren't alone. That you are more than your weight! And that in a lot of cases how you see yourself, is not what you actually look like. We need to learn to love ourselves more, and not base our happiness on the size of our jeans.
Next time I plan to go into detail on what a normal binge night was like for me, but that's all for now! :) Happy Saturday everyone.
As you can see my posts were mainly about how I adopted iifym macro practice, and how well it was working for me. Honestly I had seen so much progress and success with this idea of eating for a while. I thought I have finally gotten myself on a path I was happy and successful with. I thought I had finally beat the binging.
Unfortunately that was not the case. In fact right when I stopped blogging is when my binging worked its way back to my life. Correlation? Yes. How could one write positive messages and healthy eating support, when you are unhappy and can't even control your own eating?!
For the months following October, I would eat and eat and eat until I felt sick. I felt so sick sometimes I could have sworn I was going to die. Every morning I would wake up saying "yesterday was the last day." So I would restrict all morning, trying to make up for all the "bad" I had done the night before. But this led me right back to binging by the end of the night. My mind set was always "well I already ate this much...may as well eat everything else." I couldn't forgive my actions either, which only made things worse. Because of all this, my self control was non existent, I had a ton of anxiety, and my self confidence was buried.
Naturally I started to gain weight as well. It's inevitable when you are consuming what seems like a days worth of calories in one to two hours. This of course only furthered poor eating habits. And besides gaining weight, I never felt good. I was always bloated, sluggish and just generally unhappy. My body was telling me in so many ways that this was wrong and unhealthy, but I just could not stop.
Now when you spend so much time consumed by food and social media you start to hear things about other people with these same habits. So I started doing some research, and I self diagnosed myself with binge eating disorder (BED). I was sick of feeling sick, and like I had no actual control over what I was doing, so I contacted therapist. Now normally I am quiet about things like this. It seemed scary, and like something people would look down upon. But the reality is that she has helped me. Tremendously. All that really mattered was that I got better anyway, not what someone thought about me "talking" to someone.
As it turned out, I had mild body dismorphia and binge eating disorder. Over the last few months my therapist has helped me work through a lot of this. I have actually been binge free for 139 days as of today. There is still a ways for me to go though. I may not take my emotions out through excessive binge eating but my self love is not where it should be. I still put so much emphasis on my weight to be where I want to be. That's really my last step, to love me for who I am. And to realize that me having a little extra pudge doesn't make me less attractive, or a bad person, or not worth anything. That all seems ridiculous when you actually think of it. Just sometimes its hard not to think that your weight makes up who you are.
I wanted to give an idea of where I am at currently so posted a picture that was taken just two weeks ago. When I see it, I think "wow I look fine and healthy, you're crazy for thinking otherwise!" But every single day I struggle with actually seeing what's there. My opinion of myself could change within minutes. I still have a lot to work on, but I just want anyone who may happen to come across my blog to realize that you aren't alone. That you are more than your weight! And that in a lot of cases how you see yourself, is not what you actually look like. We need to learn to love ourselves more, and not base our happiness on the size of our jeans.
Next time I plan to go into detail on what a normal binge night was like for me, but that's all for now! :) Happy Saturday everyone.
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